What's Your Function?

I have had several conversations (which, as I’m sure you will guess, I initiated) about the issue of whether or not to begin a sentence with a conjunction — specifically, a coordinating conjunction. There are seven of these: For, and, nor, but, or, yet & so.

Traditional thought is that it is bad form to begin a sentence with any of these. I say go for it. And I’m not the only one who thinks this is okay. Just don’t do the following:

1. Don’t begin a sentence with a coordinating conjunction if the sentence itself is not really a sentence at all. Example: I like ice cream. And not yogurt. (“And not yogurt” is not a sentence.) Consider: “I like ice cream. And I do not like yogurt.”
2. If you will begin a sentence with a conjunction, don’t bother adding a comma after the conjunction. When I say, “Don’t bother,” I don’t mean to say, “Save yourself the hassle.” I mean to say, “Save the rest of us the hassle. It is unnecessary and incorrect.” Yep.

Words That Don't Sound the Way They Look

We learn by doing, so I will dispatch with the phonetic spellings. It's 2010, and there's an information super-highway at our fingertips. Here are my top five:

Minutiae
Verbiage
Foliage
Hyperbole
Antithesis

And now, the most fun of all:

Guerrilla (Variant: Guerilla) - a person who engages in irregular warfare especially as a member of an independent unit carrying out harassment and sabotage. This is employed in modern language to describe use of an unconventional system to achieve a desired result (e.g. "guerrilla marketing").

Gorilla: a very large typically black-colored anthropoid ape (Gorilla gorilla) of equatorial Africa that has a stocky body with broad shoulders and long arms and is less erect and has smaller ears than the chimpanzee

Here is an example of gorilla warfare:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CXuXoH6lVkg&feature=related

... Join 'em.

I began, on the week of September 14th, to modify my approach to dealing with what I will lovingly call “verbal misappropriation.” Instead of getting angry at the words many of us cannot (Yes, Amy, cannot—you win) seem to use properly, I’m giving each wrong word a definition … giving it a chance to shine, if only for a moment. Today’s star is “periphial,” not to be confused with “peripheral.”

Peripheral:

1. Of, relating to, involving, or forming a periphery or surface part (“periphery” being an area lying beyond the strict limits of a thing).

2. Of, relating to, or being the outer part of the field of vision . (Merriam-Webster)

Periphial:

1. An angry elf. (Me)

Smarter Than You Are

I don't know when we decided that "then" and "than" were interchangeable. Whenever it happened, it was a sad day for us all. I read no fewer than five Facebook status updates a day which say things like, "I have more ice cream then I can possibly eat." It makes me want to stick a fork in my left ear and leave it there in protest.

Don't Eat the Cake

Everyone is always talking about how "You can't have your cake and eat it, too." I agree that there is a point to be made, but the phrase is incorrect.

I myself misuse the phrase because it's easier than saying it in the correct way and then having to explain. Explain, however, I will.

The correct phrase is "You can't eat your cake and have it, too." This phrase originated in the days where cake was a hot commodity, as the ingredients one needed to make a cake were scarce and expensive. If, therefore, one were lucky enough to get a cake, then having the cake and being able to show it off to guests was, like, the best thing EVER. Sadly, if one could not resist the urge to eat the cake (and who could? It IS cake, after all), then one had to relinquish the pleasure of flaunting said cake in front of jealous neighbors and saying, "Look at me! I have a cake," because you can't eat your cake and have it, too.

If you can't beat 'em....

I’m trying something new: Instead of being offended by a misspelled word, I’m going to give it a definition—put it on a pedestal, so to speak—in an attempt to fool it into thinking that I am its friend. (Keep your enemies close … Fool me twice … you can’t get fooled again.)

Today’s word is “eatting,” not to be confused with “eating.”

Eating:

1. Taking in through the mouth as food; ingesting, chewing and swallowing in turn, as in "I am eating an apple." (Merriam-Webster)

Eatting:

1. Taking in through the mouth after violently tearing into no fewer than 11 pieces; tearing, ingesting and chewing in turn, but not necessarily swallowing, as in "The zombies were eatting everyone." (Me)

Word of the Day

The word of the day is "SPECIFIC," not to be confused with "Pacific." I could give you the list of definitions for each, but I encourage you to look them up, learn them, and never misuse them again in sentences such as, "I'll be there, but I can't give you a pacific time," or "I sat on the sand and looked out into the specific ocean."

The second sentence isn't really an example of a common mistake. I just wrote it because it makes me laugh.